


Secret Love Song

by GhostDetective



Series: Secret Love Song [1]
Category: Downton Abbey
Genre: Angst, Budding Love, Canonical Character Death, Closeted Character, Depression, Forbidden Love, Internalised Homophobia, Internalised ableism, M/M, Multi, Period-Typical Homophobia, Songfic, Suicide, Tragic Romance, World War I
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-08
Updated: 2018-02-08
Packaged: 2019-03-15 13:24:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,179
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13614270
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/GhostDetective/pseuds/GhostDetective
Summary: Why can't you hold me in the street?Why can't I kiss you on the dance floor?I wish that it could be like thatWhy can't we be like that?'Cause I'm yours





	Secret Love Song

**Author's Note:**

> A while ago, I heard this song after watching Downton Abbey and it made me think of these two, it captured their tragic love so perfectly that I teared up every time I thought to write this fic. Eventually I had to write it, so I wrote through the sadness, trying not to cry and here we are. 
> 
> This is how I imagine S2 E2 playing out from Edward's POV. 
> 
> Lyrics from a-z lyrics.

“When you hold me in the street  
And you kiss me on the dance floor  
I wish that it could be like that  
Why can't it be like that?  
'Cause I'm yours” 

Edward had heard his voice so many times in the hospital. The voice that had reached out into his darkness like a small ray of light. He had often wondered about the man it belonged to, what did he look like? Was he as handsome as he sounded? Was it possible to fall in love with someone having only heard their voice? He would let the soft, melodic Mancunian tones wash over him, imagining its owner talking to him, daring to hope that the owner would be interested in him. 

Then one day, he overheard a conversation between some visitors.  
“Thomas, you can cover for Nurse Crawley, can't you?”  
Then he heard the owner of that beautiful voice answer.  
“I can.”  
Edward shifted slightly, leaning a bit closer to hear more of the conversation.  
“So you're back, then. Safe and sound.”  
“That's not how I'd put it with my hand the way it is, but yes. Major Clarkson's found me a place and I'm grateful.”  
His hand? What had happened to Thomas’ hand? Was that what had brought him here?  
“Can you give Lieutenant Courtenay his pills?” Nurse Crawley asked.  
“Of course I can. I'd be glad to.” Edward’s heart quickened as Thomas’ footsteps got closer. 

“We keep behind closed doors  
Every time I see you, I die a little more  
Stolen moments that we steal as the curtain falls  
It'll never be enough” 

“Lieutenant Courtenay?” Thomas asked as he reached the bed.  
“Yes?” Edward asked, nervous butterflies fluttering against his ribs.  
“I’m here to give you your pills.”  
“Thank you…”  
“Corporal Barrow, Sir.”  
“Thank you, Corporal Barrow.”  
“You’re welcome.” He heard Corporal Barrow fetching him some water and opening the pill box. “Could you open your mouth, please, Lieutenant Courtenay?” Edward did as he was told and Thomas fed him the tablet, then raised the glass to his mouth. Edward took the first pill and then the second.  
“Thank you.” He said, feeling useless that he couldn’t take the tablets himself, that he had to rely on Corporal Barrow to help him. He wanted to be able to do things himself, but that would mean he wouldn’t have an excuse to be near Thomas.  
“If that’s all, Sir…”  
“No!” Edward didn’t want Thomas to leave him just yet. “Could you… Could you read me the paper?”  
“The paper?” Corporal Barrow replied, his tone neutral. Edward wished he could see his expression.  
“Yes, I’d like to know what’s going on. Only I can’t…”  
“Of course, Lieutenant.” Corporal Barrow replied, settling himself down in the chair next to Edward, pulling it closer to the bed, the legs scraping on the floor. Edward leant in as close as he dared, but hung back so as not to rouse suspicion. Men like him always had to hide. 

“It's obvious you're meant for me  
Every piece of you, it just fits perfectly  
Every second, every thought, I'm in so deep  
But I'll never show it on my face”

They ended up talking for nearly half an hour, Edward felt guilty for taking up Corporal Barrow’s break time, but he wanted him to stay. Corporal Barrow promised to come back later on and, to his credit, he did. They talked until late, Edward trying to glean as much as he could about Corporal Barrow’s life before the war, to find out who he was.  
“What did you do before the war?”  
“Me? I was a valet up at the big house.” His voice gave frustratingly little away.  
“And were you happy there?” Edward asked, searching him for more information. If Thomas had valet experience and was open to the idea then Edward could persuade him to come and be his valet after the war ended, if this ghastly war ever ended.  
He heard Thomas shift slightly  
“It was a good job.” He said noncommittally.  
“But would you ever go back to it?” Edward pressed him.  
“Not if I had other options.”  
“Oh.” Edward sighed, feeling an overwhelming sadness take hold of him.  
“What about you, sir? What did you do before the war started?”  
“I was up at Oxford. But I only ever planned to farm. Farm. And shoot. And hunt. And fish. And everything I'll never do again.” Edward felt despair and sadness rising, how could he expect Corporal Barrow to give up everything to care for someone like him?  
“You don't know that, sir. We've had cases of gas-blindness wearing off.”  
“Rare cases,” Edward snapped “and much sooner than this. It doesn't help me to be lied to, you know. I'm finished. And I'd rather face it than dodge it.” He immediately regretted snapping at Thomas. Beautiful, wonderful Thomas, who had already done so much for him.  
“I’d better go.” Edward heard the chair scrape on the floor as Thomas left him and he was alone once again. 

“But we know this.  
We got a love that is hopeless”

Edward wished he had some way of knowing what Thomas was thinking. He laughed bitterly, even if Thomas did feel anything for him, it could never be. They would never be allowed to live openly; they would have to conceal their feelings for each other from public view, to hide away, their love condemned to wander the shadows. Edward was thankful for the darkness brought on by the night, so that he could dry his eyes on the bedsheets. 

“Why can't you hold me in the street?  
Why can't I kiss you on the dance floor?  
I wish that it could be like that  
Why can't we be like that?  
'Cause I'm yours”

Edward was getting used to the sound of Corporal Barrow’s walk as he came towards him, Edward’s heart lifted as it always did when he drew nearer.  
“I’ve brought you your post, Sir.”  
Edward smiled.  
“Thank you, Corporal.”  
Thomas took his seat next to Edward, moving it closer to the bed.  
“This one appears to be from your mother.”  
Edward’s heart sank. Thomas read out the letter and Edward listened until he got to a part that Edward could not bite his tongue.  
"Things cannot be as they were and, whatever you might think, Jack has your best interest at heart.”  
“Stop.” He instructed.  
“Who's Jack?”  
“My younger brother. He means to replace me. It's what he's always wanted.” He replied bitterly, then regretted his tone.  
“Yeah, well…”  
“I'm sorry. I mustn't bore you.”  
“Don't let him walk all over you. Go fight your corner.” Had he not been reeling from the letter, Edward would have found the genuine concern in Corporal Barrow’s voice touching.  
“What with?” Edward couldn’t think of anything that he had working for him.  
“Your brain. You're not a victim, don't let them make you into one.” The sincerity in Corporal Barrow’s voice took Edward aback.  
“You know, when you talk like that, I almost believe you.”  
“You should believe me. All my life they've pushed me around...just 'cause I'm different.” Edward felt a flicker of hope. Could Thomas be like him after all?  
“How?” He asked quickly “Why are you different?” Corporal Barrow hesitated.  
“Never mind. Look. Look, I d-- I don't know if you're going to see again or not, but I do know you have to fight back.” Edward decided to take a chance. He reached out and put his hand on Thomas’ knee and, to his great delight, Thomas’ took Edward’s hand in his own. 

“And nobody knows I'm in love with someone's baby  
I don't wanna hide us away  
Tell the world about the love we're making  
I'm living for that day  
Someday” 

“That's it. That's right, sir. If you move the stick fast enough, you don't have to slacken your pace.” Thomas helped guide Edward around the obstacle course in the small garden. Edward leaned into his touch. To the outsider, it would look like a blind man being aided by a medic, only he and Thomas knew there was anything more to it than that. It was as open as they could be in public.  
“And check the width of the space as well as any possible obstruction.” Nurse Crawley added from Edward’s other side.  
They had been practicing for most of the morning and on the whole, Edward was rather pleased with the progress he was making, learning to navigate the garden with the stick. Having Thomas and Nurse Crawley by his side definitely made him feel more confident. They were wonders, the pair of them, Edward could almost believe that they could get him through this.  
Then he heard a male voice calling to him.  
“Lieutenant Courtenay!” He heard the man coming closer to them. “Well done. You're making good progress.”  
“Thanks to my saviours.” Edward meant it, without the two people next to him, he didn’t know what would have become of him.  
“So you'll be pleased to hear that we're all agreed that it's time for you to continue treatment elsewhere.”  
Edward’s heart sank.  
“What?”  
Major Clarkson continued, apparently oblivious to Edward’s distress. “At Farley Hall. You're not ill anymore. All you need is time to adjust to your condition, and the staff at Farley can help with that.”  
“But, sir, these two are helping me here.” Edward tried to explain.  
“Nurse Crawley and Corporal Barrow are not trained in specialist care.”  
Edward panicked. “Please. Don't sent me away. Not yet.” He pleaded with Major Clarkson. He would be away from the hospital, away from the people helping him, people he’d grown to be fond of, he would be away from Corporal Barrow, he didn’t know what he’d do without him, he and Thomas were only just beginning to realise whatever feelings they had for each other, he would not be sent away if there was a chance that he and Thomas could stay together.  
“Sir, surely we—“ Thomas began to say, but stopped.  
“Lieutenant, you must know that every one of our beds is needed for the injured and dying from Arras. Mm?” Edward stood silently, he knew that any objection he had wouldn’t matter. It was hopeless. The whole idea of him and Thomas was hopeless.  
Major Clarkson touched his arm in what he clearly assumed to be a comforting gesture, but Edward felt like a lead weight had settled in him. His arms and legs felt heavy with sadness.  
“Corporal, I'll see you in my office.” Major Clarkson left them. Thomas squeezed Edward’s arm supportively and went after him. 

“Why can't I hold you in the street?  
Why can't I kiss you on the dance floor?  
I wish that we could be like that  
Why can't we be like that?  
'Cause I'm yours” 

Edward’s feet carried him back to his bed, his body was numb, but his mind was with Thomas, always with Thomas. Edward sat down on the bed. He had allowed himself to hope, for a few short hours, that he and Thomas would be able to escape this nightmare together. He should have realised that it was foolish, men like them could never be free to live openly, he could never hold Thomas as Jack could hold whatever woman took his fancy, Edward would never kiss Thomas in the way that Jack took for granted with his lady friends. No. If theirs was to be a life half-lived, maybe there was no point living it at all. 

Edward waited until the nurse giving him his shave was distracted, then he stole the blade from her tray. 

“Why can't I say that I'm in love?  
I wanna shout it from the rooftop  
I wish that it could be like that  
Why can't we be like that?  
'Cause I'm yours” 

Edward sobbed, the love that he felt for Thomas burned in his chest, along with the knowledge that he was soon to be torn from Edward’s side. He wasn’t going to get better in Downton with Thomas and Nurse Crawley, he wasn't going to live on his estate with Thomas as his valet, he wasn’t going to spend every night with Thomas by his side. If the world were a just place, he could do all of those things, but the world wasn’t a just place, not for men like them. He found the blade he’d hidden in his pocket, he held it and drew it across, feeling pain searing through him and warm blood soaking into his nightshirt and the bedsheets. His tears fell as he uttered a whispered apology to Thomas for abandoning him to the cruel and unforgiving world that denied them their love; he waited for the release of oblivion. 

Perhaps, in another life, he could hold Thomas and they could kiss without fear. Perhaps, in another life, he could tell Thomas that he loved him, could tell the world that he did. Perhaps, in another life, they could finally be free. 

“Why can't we be like that?  
Wish we could be like that”


End file.
